I caught this story the other day that illuminated the meaning of truly listening. I will tell you in a minute.
First, we all think we’re reasonably good at listening until one day, a minor or significant blow-up in a relationship with a friend, family, coworker, or partner who says, “You’re not listening!” or “You’re not understanding/hearing me!” or “You don’t get it” in a frustrating tone comes out of your mouth or theirs *ACK*
It’s a big bummer, especially if you pride yourself on being a great listener.
Here is tip #1 about our pride for being good listeners. Don’t claim it until others tell you, “You are a good listener.” Even then, be wary because we tend to drop our skills regarding the people closest to us. Simon Sinek recently shared that he was caught off guard when a loved one said he was a terrible listener. If you don’t know him, much of his job is centered around listening. The point is that most of us, myself included, have plenty of work/practice to do in true listening and genuine empathy.
Here is the story I promised above Tip #2.
A mother relayed that she is concerned for her younger son (Jack), who keeps comparing himself to his older brother (Tommy). He’d say, “I am never doing to be as good as Tommy.” The mother would listen and then compassionately tell Jack all about how she saw him as wonderfully different from Tommy. Although she was listening to his words, she couldn’t respond in a way that he felt heard. Why is this? As parents we want to encourage and help our children to see perspectives, it’s our job after all right? Well, yes and no.
In this case, the Mom overlapped her viewpoints of her youngest son’s qualities as encouragement. While that might have been nice to hear, it isn’t considered genuinely listening. Empathy is listening. Allow the person to have their feelings just as they are – don’t make it about you by saying, “I’ve felt that way, and to show you we all feel that way in our lives, here is my story.”… that’s nice occasionally, but is not hitting the genuineness genuine empathy.
Ok, so What is True Empathy? Tip#3
What I am about to share is HUGE MASSIVE learning for me last year that I shared with my husband after going through a lot of personal development work for the health of our marriage and our happiness.
You know the saying that empathy is “being in their shoes” Well that’s the definition I’ve always lived by, but unbeknownst to me it wasn’t specific enough, for me and I am betting that I am not alone, and thus I often didn’t get it entirely right. As a life coach whose job description required me to be a good listener, this was a big deal – a significant shift in my understanding of humanity and an improvement in my coaching abilities immensely.
Empathy is better when listening with the mindset of not only understanding, hearing, and echoing their words for validation but also sensing what it must feel like FOR THEM. The “for them” are the keywords here. This is very different from what it feels like for you if you were in the same situation.
Who you are listening to is NOT YOU! They are them, and they are uniquely different from you. DUH… I know, but it must be said/written this way for a reason.
We must listen not by seeing ourselves in their shoes but by seeing ourselves as them in their shoes. A MIND TWISTER, I know.
For example, my husband and I would experience the same situation differently because he is him, and I am me. Therefore, in listening to each other’s experiences, we would attempt to interpret and validate what the other was saying in our language and viewpoints. This pattern would inevitably bomb because we vastly differ in some parts of our personality/character. At times, it would feel not very good to share experiences. We’d get into circular discussions trying to convince the other of our viewpoints.
So, what does truly listening and having empathy look like?
TRULY LISTENING is HONORING THE OTHER PERSON’s REALITY FOR WHAT IT IS FOR THEM.
Doing it any other way is making the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of others feel as if they are unimportant and don’t matter. This is especially true when we communicate bad feelings. We attempt to squash or convince people not to feel a certain way.
Example: “You’re being too hard on yourself”. Sure, it’s a caring response, but it’s not truly listening with empathy because the person feels culpable for a bad outcome or is disappointed in themselves, etc…
I laugh now because it’s clear but subtle and tough to stop yourself from empathizing with how we’ve grown accustomed. When we aren’t good at listening, it can lead to not-so-great outcomes like …
- Our partners and friends holding back, keeping secrets, and avoiding specific topics with us all together.
- Going to other people with your feelings (not bad in many situations, but it can lead to affairs and divorce)
- Relationships shift into new patterns – you become the friend people have categorized as good for other things but not for listening. In marriages, the dreadful roommate situation where you coexist in the same household, barely talking.
A more concrete example: My husband is a realist, and I am an idealist. I would respond empathetically from my idealist nature, and he’d react empathetically in his realist nature. Unfortunately, we made it so we didn’t feel heard by each other. This situation then created a rather challenging dynamic in being truly heard/listened to, and part of our growth is using a coaching approach, which is simply asking questions or making observations statements. Here are a few to consider adding:
- That’s interesting, so what do you think you will do now?
- That sounds _________ <insert a descriptive word> would you agree?
- I like how you put that; it makes sense that you’d respond that way.
- How did that situation make you feel?
- I initially didn’t see it that way, but now that you shared, I see your point of view.
- Is there anything I can do to help?
- I’ve been there, and it’s not an easy decision. What are your choices?
- I think I am hearing you say ________<insert descriptive words>. Is that accurate?
- May I make an observation? This question is dangerously close to not listening. Therefore, be careful when using this one. It can lead the other person to feel like you’ve been formulating a response vs truly listening. The upside is that it is a question they can say no to. Only use this with someone who you know is comfortable saying No. If you get an eye-roll or heavy sigh, you know it’s either the wrong timing or this person isn’t looking for perspectives only to share.
I hope this information was helpful in some way.
Until next time, and Always with Love and Light ~ Kami
